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if you asked me what i came into this world to do
i will tell you i came to live out loud
I always thought this idea of an online journal was kind of weird and exposing...I mean you're putting your thoughts out there everyday into this vast technological airway. I remember when we were younger we'd come home from school and jump on this thing, writing in cryptic messages of our days events. Posting song lyrics that refer to how we felt, it makes me smile..and feel really old! It's insane how life can change so much from the steps you take at 15 to..22. I feel like that time in our lives was a lifetime ago.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately because Will and I are planning to drive this summer to Pittsburgh. We've never taken a road trip, and in some weird way it makes me feel closer to him as I start to plan it. I'm so excited about these next few years in our lives when we get to start deciding what we want from life. I think when you're young that's when you can make all the wrong choices and be broken hearted, dwell in that place of teenage confusion. But as you get older I think it becomes a lot more frightening because you don't have that much time to fuck around. I guess what I'm trying to say is, to everyone I love, even if we don't speak you know who you are...I hope you're genuinly happy and making your life beautiful.

"To strive, to seek and not to yield"


Current Mood: awake
Current Music: jakob dylan

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all I can do is be me, whoever that is.


Current Mood: awake
Current Music: folk

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I can't even believe a year has come and gone. It feels like so much has happened in between.So let's not sugar coat this because I haven't written in awhile...and i need to because it's who i am. I feel like these past two years have been this chaotic amazing transformation in my life. This is when you find out who you are and what you're put on earth to do.
You know that saying "you can never go home again"..what happens when you can't? what happens when you start to create your own form of home...it's the people you love, the memories that make it worth it.
Life has become so surreal to me...and i wonder if that's okay or not.
My dad died this year...He was this amazing person who was genuine and kind. I mean he had his flaws,but he was always smiling and i know he loved me as much as he could.It's weird when you lose a parent you're left with all these memories and where you're supposed to put them.and all i can do is picture him drumming the steering wheel and singing loudly. that was his beauty and what he meant to me.
that's how i want to live everyday, you should live out loud.What's the point of lying or playing this false image of who you are? Life is too fucking short to live up to anyone's standards of who or what you should be. I'm not saying that you should overlook your faults or where you can grow from... i just think that no one should ever hide who they are. Because this is it. one life where you can change and fuck up as many things as you want. Get your heart broken, make a fool of yourself, be poor as hell, whatever it is. That is living.

and the next thing is to love as much as you can. your friends, your lover, your family...we have all these connections that make us who we are and we are so quick to cut that connection over something in perspective that can be trivial. I think about that and i wonder how many friendships i'm missing out on. So why do we do that? Maybe it's our egos or selfishness.But i think that can be one of my resolutions. To not resent people as much as i have in the past.or at least try.

So in memory of my dad and how i'm feeling at the moment, i'm going to end this note with one of my favorite quotes. happy new year everyone. love and peace.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."-Kerouac


Current Mood: indescribable

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It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we’ve been told that we’re not ready, or that we shouldn’t try, or that we can’t, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

-Barack Obama, my president.

Current Mood: grateful

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This song makes me think of old times. i miss you. and you. and you.<3
This song is called younglife- by Anberlin.

Hey brother, do you remember when
We used to play outdoors
Til the light was absorbed by the night?
Hey brother, it was a nicer time
We used to laugh til we cry
We're still boys on the inside
(I want to do it again)

The first time staying out all night
The last that we got away with lies
I can hear it in the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)
Late nights and early lights
Never thought it would come to a goodbye
I replay it in the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)

Hey lover, do you remember when
We would dance in your apartment
Til neighbors would knock on your door?
And I remember, you remember when
We had no money to speak of
No where else to eat but your floor
(I want to do it again)

The first time staying out all night
The last time you look me in the eyes
I can see that in the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)
Late nights, all entwined
Made a promise to never say goodbye
I replay in the back of my mind
Over and over again

All those days gone forever
Wonder if we're going to ever
See all our younglife friends that we made again
Have we all lost connection?
The life pulls in all direction
Memories bring us back to where we've been

can't wait til november!

Current Mood: creative

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these last few monthes have flown by I don't even know where to begin. Summer was pretty uneventful, I worked a majority of the time and just waited until I had a vacation in which we had to move all of our stuff to the new apartment and make multiple trips to different places. We moved in and then went home to venice for about a week or so and then went to Virginia to see some of Will's family who were very sweet to me, his grandpa let us stay in his cabin which is by the creek on the outer rinks of his property.It's absolutely gorgeous up there it reminds me of somewhere a writer would go in solitude to disappear for a few weeks. When we came home I had a visit with my family which went really well and I was happy to see them as always.

Since then we've returned to Orlando, we moved in all of our new stuff and I really love the place it feels very homey and spacious.Of course I still have three other boys to look after besides Will, but they are sweet to me and I really enjoy having roomates. Hopefully next year, we are goingto have enough money for our own place.That's the plan anyway. So it's back to the grind of work and school and I have lots of things to do in the next few monthes. After thinking long and hard I decided to continue my schooling because it's something that I really want.I'll be continuing on at UCF in the spring semester majoring in english lit. and minoring in creative writing. I just also took on being a sales lead at BBW since some of our managers are leaving I got the option of applying and I'm very excited about it, more money and more hours. For a college job it's not too bad.Next week is Will and I's anniversary, 1 1/2 and i still can't believe it, it really does feel like we've been together loner actually. He means the world. Soon in November i will get to see my family again and Will is going to join me and hopefully it will go smooth and we can have a good time.

I'm in the middle of writing two stories right now for my workshop and i'm very excited about them, they are completely different from anything I've ever written. Mainly because they are short fiction and not poems.
I'm reading an anthology of short stories by Thobias Wolfe right now, amazing writer!

anyway that was a re-cap on my life, i hope everyone is well.<3

love always


Current Location: library
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: anberlin-younglife

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I felt like I need to do this. 100 things about myself good or bad or weird.

1. I love the fact that I have blue eyes.
2. I feel like characters in movies and books are portraying scenes from my life.
3. My favorite band is Modest Mouse.
4. My favorite color has always been purple since I was three.
5. I like the fact that I've been reading books constantly since I was young.
6. Fox and the Hound was always my favorite Disney Movie.
7. Sometimes I get overwhelmed because I have too many favorite books.
8. I sometimes think I will fail at being a writer.
9. I love apple sauce,always have.
10.I believe I've met my soul mate and I'm terrified.
11.I love white chocolate.
12.I'm always upset about how I look,I wish my image hadn't been warped at a young age.
13. I pretend my sister and I are twins, it makes more sense.
14. I regret throwing parts of my life away on recreational drugs and undeserving guys.
15. I feel overwhelmed when I'm clothes shopping,like everyone might find the one thing that i want so badly.
16. I'm constantly dying my hair because my natural color is the same as my dad's and it makes me upset.
17. I've always loved broccoli.
18. I'm so afraid to die, when I think of the concept I always tend to cry.
19. I'm a terrible cook.
20. I always tend to yell in fights and I hate it.
21. I lie sometimes for no reason.
22. I wish I had more money.
23. I get bored with things very easily.
24. I always tell my boyfriend I cry so much because I have blue eyes,too much water.
25. I'm afraid to fly in planes, I always picture it crashing..my name in the head lines.
26. I think my mom will always resent me and my choices.
27. Sometimes I feel like all of my family left on a rainy day, and never came back.
28. I hate it when people chew with their mouth open.
29. I love chick-fila sandwichs.
30. I hate living in Orlando, I can't wait to move.
31. I wish I had a real job, instead of one where i sell useless products.
32. My favorite song is "It Ain't me Babe" by Bob Dylan
33. I can tell my boyfriend really loves me by the way he looks at me,our looks are identical.
34. I used to love tomato soup, now I can't stand it.
35. I wish I had more photo albums.
36. I think I'm a fabulous dancer.
37. I really don't care about my father and I resent his new family.
38. I love the fact that my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other.
39. I miss my freckles, they've all blended in.
40. I've always had an old soul, I was reading Bukowski at age 14.
41. I love watching re-runs,I don't care how many times I've seen it.
42. I wish my parents were truly happy.
43. I love classical music.
44. I want more tattoos in the future.
45. I love seeing movies in IMAX theaters.
46. I'm proud of myself for being so strong during trying times.
47. I always feel like I'm struggling financially and it makes me have anxiety.
48. I hate doing the dishes.
49. I can't believe I will be 20 years old in 3 weeks.
50. I always want new journals.
51. I tend to not talk about my problems and when I do it's overload pent up frustration.
52. I like the idea of trying to be sexy but I feel like i will always be too "cute"
53. I want to get married in the next 3 years.
54. I'm very easy going and can be a real pushover.
55. I'm always trying to see myself through others eyes...what do i look like?!
56. I used to have a metal retainer to sraighten my teeth when i was younger, I don't think they're that much straighter.
57. I love chai tea.
58. Whenever I watch Titanic I always think Jack and Rose are real people.
59. I love dressing up, I wish there was more occasions throughout the year to do so.
60. My favorite animal is a lamb.
61. I like playing card games when drinking.
62. I love big cities like London and San Francisco.
63. I want a smart car.
64. My favorite meal is breakfast, though i rarely eat it.
65. I want a dog so it will always pay attention to me.
66. I resent old friends for the wounds they've left me.
67. I feel like every romantic relationship I had until my current one were lackluster, full of deceit and naivety.
68. I push myself away from people purposefully.
69. I love my pink glasses.
70. I miss all of my old possessions that I left behind.
71. It makes me nervous knowing my family has cancer history.
72. I love the smell of new and old books, you can't get much better than that.
73. I love ice cream.
74. I hope I will do well at UCF.
75. I love packing for trips.
76. I love showing off my ring from Will.
77. I hate when people suck up to me.
78. I don't feel like I have to be fake to anyone anymore.
79. I hate the use of hard drugs, they have destroyed too many of the people I loved.
80. I can't wait until Will and I live on our own.
81. I still hate my step-father.
82. I roll my eyes way too much.
83. I hate doing laundry.
84. I'm a bargain shopper.
85. I love to swim.
86. I get annoyed easily.
87. I think my friends are hilarious.
88. I think I will always prefer vodka as my drink of choice.
89. I have trouble erasing my past, it haunts me and makes me reevaluate my life.
90. I think people expected more from me.
91. I love lingering kisses.
92. My favorite place I have been is San Francisco.
93. I wish I had grown up during the 60's and 70's.
94. I've never really liked cookies.
95. I think my writing and poetry is not too bad.
96. I hate a bland room.
97. I have hope in Obama.
98. I like that I've always been pale.
99. I hate driving on the highway.
100. I love myself.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: damien rice- blower's daughter

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Tomorrow when I wake up I'm finding my brother
and making him take me back down to the water.
That lake where we sailed and we laughed with our father.
I will not desert him. I will not desert him.
No matter how I may wish for a coffin so clean
or these trees to undress all their leaves onto me.
I put my face in the dirt and then finally I see
the sky that has been avoiding me.

I started this letter I'm gonna send it to Ruba.
It will be blessed by her eyes on the gulf coast of Florida.
With her feet in the sand and one hand on her swimsuit,
she will recite the prayer of my pen.
Saying, ...time take us forward. Relief from this longing,
they can land that plane on my heart I don't care
just give me November, the warmth of a whisper
in the freezing darkness of my room.
But no matter what I would do in attempt to replace.
All these pills that I take trying to balance my brain.
I've seen the curious girl with that look on her face.
So surprised she stares out from her display case.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: fevers and mirrors

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It's funny to think that as you get older everything in your eyes becomes so very clear. I'm not even twenty years old and i feel like my life is full of the raw pure moments of what life can mean to someone.do you know how i feel?

it's terrifying.and absolutely amazing.

Current Mood: sympathetic
Current Music: the beatles

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that someone could love someone so much!
i'm going to be completely girly and ridiculous and brag about what will has so far done for me for valentines because, fuck it, i love this kid and he's my first valentine ever! true story.and i like bragging so screw off if you dont like it.
needless to say we have no money honestly so i was throughly impressed.

-bought me this lil stuffed animal lambie to match the bigger one i have haha
(shes pink!)
-woke up while i was in the shower and he made me breakfast and made the bed!(he hates doing that)
- bought me roses and candy
- i came home from school and he had thrown rose petals on the bed and hershey kisses and left a single rose with a note saying he loves me
-tons of texts
and soon we are going to go out to dinner or have a picnic
i got him a lil fuzzy penguin (he loves them!) b\, candy and i baked him a cake :)

i love this holiday!
hell yes.

Current Mood: girly and retarded
Current Music: weezer

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